UROLOGIST REFUSES TO VOTE ON DRE

Famed Doctor Arrives At Polling Place Without Rubber Gloves

Dallas, TX - October 28, 2008. A well known urologist, famous for pioneering procedures designed to detect colorectal, prostate and other medical disorders left a polling place in Texas in what some called “clear disgust.” The doctor, who did not wish to jeopardize her practice asked for anonymity under usual journalism rules but did agree to use her first name: “Aimée.”

According to a source, when the doctor arrived at the polls, a pollworker told her that she would be voting on the latest secure and trustworthy type of voting machine: a “DRE”. Others at the polling place said the doctor at first looked incredulous but after the pollworker said, “would you like me to show you how to use a DRE?” the doctor muttered an expletive and asked to see the poll site supervisor.

“This election is no potty humor matter,” the doctor was heard to say. “We have the future of the nation in the offing and you people are joking about ‘Digital Rectal Exams,’” she said as she stormed out.

Unaware of what this flap was all about, this reporter consulted Wikipedia (http://www.wikipedia.org/) and found that the term “DRE” has at least two meanings: one electoral and one medical.

The medical definition, provided first, is given as:

“The digital rectal examination (DRE, Latin palpatio per anum or PPA) is a relatively simple procedure. The patient is placed in a position where the anus is accessible and relaxed (lying on the side, squatting on the examination table, bent over the examination table, etc). The physician inserts a gloved and lubricated finger into the rectum through the anus and palpates the insides for approximately 60 seconds.”

DREs are apparently well-known among men over 50 who are advised to have the exam periodically.

Wikipedia also explains that “DRE” is an abbreviation for “Direct Recording Electronic” voting machine:

“A direct-recording electronic (DRE) voting machine records votes by means of a ballot display …(typically … a touchscreen); that processes data by means of a computer program; and that records voting data … in memory components.”

A poll of voters in several states showed that not all voters viewed the DRE as unfavorable. A small number reported the DRE experience as “oddly satisfying.”

Meanwhile, Aimée, the urologist, said that the nation should be alerted to bring rubber gloves on Nov. 4.

New voters, those who may be more familiar with the rapper “Dr. Dre” than voting, were asked to relax and take a deep breath as the sound of snapping gloves and visions of extended fingers permeate America's consciousness when citizens disappear into voting booths.