RUMINATIONS FROM DIDO DUPRÉ

I WILL NOT SHUT UP

2008-12-24T11:49:00.000-08:00

WAS IT A CHANT OR SOMETHING ELSE?

2008-11-24T09:38:00.000-08:00

Was Yet Another Warning Ignored?

Chicago, IL - Nov. 21, 2008. In October, Dido mused that missing votes could be found in a corned beef sandwich at the Carnegie Deli. Was Dido correct as to time but not place?

Holy (ecumenically: Kosher or Halal) Cow! Literally!

See DidoDupre Oct. 13).

Votes hidden in Carnegie Deli sandwich

Experts and cynics from around the world are wondering if that warning from Dido should have been taken seriously. Max Tucker, a denizen of the Stage Delicatessen just down the block from the Carnegie, thought that Dido's post was an attempt at a joke. Interviewed for this article on condition on anonymity, Mr. Tucker said he did not think that the Obama Campaign would really look for votes in a corned beef sandwich. "I admit it; I was wrong," he said.
TAKE MY BYTE....PLEASE!
Is the Secret Service responsible for protecting against cholesterol?

Will this unfortunate mislocation mean Chants will continue to be ignored?

Are the enemies that destroyed Troy by hiding in the belly of a wooden horse reincarnated in navel pastrami?

EARLY VOTING THRONGS STRAIN PUBLIC SANITATION

2008-10-30T14:27:00.000-07:00

Electioneering Laws Flaunted by “Porta-Potties”?

Ft. Lauderdale, FL – October 30, 2008. The enormous turnout for early voting has caused a huge strain on public toilet facilities. Lines in front of polling places in the thirty-one states that allow early voting have caused election officials to provide portable sanitation facilities to serve the voting public who wait in line as long as several hours.

An unintended consequence of the rush to place public conveniences in areas of long voting lines has emerged as candidates rush to place campaign slogans on the portable toilets. Thus, traditional names such as “port-o-let”, “sani-privy”, and the colloquial “Johnny-on-the-spot” have been replaced by slogans intended to give one last campaign statement to captive audience voters.

Here is a sampling of campaign placed portable toilet slogans (Campaign names omitted where possible):

“Put [Name Omitted] in the Out House…Not the White House”
“[Name Omitted] Stinks. Check it out here”

Propriety prevents us from quoting other slogans in this space.

Most states prohibit electioneering within a reasonable distance – usually 100 to 200 feet – of polling places and precedent has come to mean that placing campaign signs is a form of electioneering. There are reports of both parties filing briefs with the Supreme Court requesting injunctions aimed at allowing placing campaign slogans on the portable toilets.

There have been scattered, but unconfirmed, reports that candidates believe they can sway voters via the internal appointments of the toilets. Charges are being leveled by both major parties accusing the other of toilet politics in trying to win an advantage. In that regard an investigation has not found any evidence that Gov. Palin’s toilet facilities were acquired for $150,000 from Neiman Marcus nor could any gold commodes be found. A spokesman did say that if there were such lavish facilities they would be donated to charity after the election.

The state of Nevada appears to have solved the sanitation problem a different way. Nevada reported that it has eliminated all early voting lines completely by converting slot machines into electronic voting machines. Early reports indicate that voters begin the voting process by inserting a coin and that the coin is returned if the slot machine is properly calibrated.

Nonetheless, the trend in increased early voting and concomitant lines is seen as a financial boon to “Joe the Plumber.”

GOV'T INTENDS TO DISQUALIFY VOTING SYSTEM TEST LAB

2008-10-29T12:04:00.000-07:00

This Is The Funniest Post Yet

America – October 29, 2008. Thanks to the many of you who have written to Dido in appreciation of these posts. Scatology, it appears, has not driven too many of you to unsubscribe to our jaundiced view of our electoral process. I mean this stuff has got me in stitches.

And it’s a good thing, too, that you haven’t unsubscribed, because out of Washington comes the funniest post yet. We all know that truth is stranger than fiction; but did we know that reality is funnier than jokes?

We gave you Henny Youngman, Dido Dupre, Max Tucker, a urologist named Aimée, and anonymous fictitious sources. We now give you Election Day.

OK. Here it is. It’s five days before Election Day. The United States Election Assistance Commission (http://www.eac.gov/) announced today that it intends to suspend the certification of a test laboratory that was responsible for approving for use one of the nation’s most commonly used voting systems. In the words of former late night TV comedian Jack Paar, “I kid you not.”

Be careful while you slap your knees. You can hurt yourself. You see it’s been alleged that that maker of voting machines has been responsible for “flipping” votes from one candidate to another. Dido is not saying that such a thing happened, just that it’s been alleged. And, if that isn’t funny enough, it’s the same manufacturer who made the machines in which 18,000 votes may be missing from an election in Sarasota in 2006.

In a press release issued today, the EAC references a notice to the manufacturer of “possible inappropriate influence by a manufacturer in the development of test plans” in July 2008. We’re just quoting.

Then, earlier this month, the EAC writes the test laboratory again about “possible manufacturer influence over the test plan process.”

Hang on.

Today’s EAC press release ends with a statement that “NIST (National Institute of Standards and Technology) suspends accreditation of” the test laboratory.

The EAC was created by an Act of Congress known as the Help America Vote Act or “HAVA.” We kind of figured that America doesn’t need help voting; it needs help counting.

UROLOGIST REFUSES TO VOTE ON DRE

2008-10-28T09:40:00.000-07:00

Famed Doctor Arrives At Polling Place Without Rubber Gloves

Dallas, TX - October 28, 2008. A well known urologist, famous for pioneering procedures designed to detect colorectal, prostate and other medical disorders left a polling place in Texas in what some called “clear disgust.” The doctor, who did not wish to jeopardize her practice asked for anonymity under usual journalism rules but did agree to use her first name: “Aimée.”

According to a source, when the doctor arrived at the polls, a pollworker told her that she would be voting on the latest secure and trustworthy type of voting machine: a “DRE”. Others at the polling place said the doctor at first looked incredulous but after the pollworker said, “would you like me to show you how to use a DRE?” the doctor muttered an expletive and asked to see the poll site supervisor.

“This election is no potty humor matter,” the doctor was heard to say. “We have the future of the nation in the offing and you people are joking about ‘Digital Rectal Exams,’” she said as she stormed out.

Unaware of what this flap was all about, this reporter consulted Wikipedia (http://www.wikipedia.org/) and found that the term “DRE” has at least two meanings: one electoral and one medical.

The medical definition, provided first, is given as:

“The digital rectal examination (DRE, Latin palpatio per anum or PPA) is a relatively simple procedure. The patient is placed in a position where the anus is accessible and relaxed (lying on the side, squatting on the examination table, bent over the examination table, etc). The physician inserts a gloved and lubricated finger into the rectum through the anus and palpates the insides for approximately 60 seconds.”

DREs are apparently well-known among men over 50 who are advised to have the exam periodically.

Wikipedia also explains that “DRE” is an abbreviation for “Direct Recording Electronic” voting machine:

“A direct-recording electronic (DRE) voting machine records votes by means of a ballot display …(typically … a touchscreen); that processes data by means of a computer program; and that records voting data … in memory components.”

A poll of voters in several states showed that not all voters viewed the DRE as unfavorable. A small number reported the DRE experience as “oddly satisfying.”

Meanwhile, Aimée, the urologist, said that the nation should be alerted to bring rubber gloves on Nov. 4.

New voters, those who may be more familiar with the rapper “Dr. Dre” than voting, were asked to relax and take a deep breath as the sound of snapping gloves and visions of extended fingers permeate America's consciousness when citizens disappear into voting booths.

ELECTORAL COLLEGE TO FIELD FOOTBALL TEAM

2008-10-25T14:23:00.000-07:00

Worried About Its Image, Famed College To Participate In Intercollegiate Sports

State College, PA – October 25, 2008. With polls showing a growing disparity in the popular vote in favor of Senator Barack Obama over Senator John McCain, McCain campaign officials are still confident of winning the White House. “The president of the United States is not a popularity or beauty contest…although we certainly are leading in that latter category,” the spokesman said with a wink. “The Constitution provides that the president is selected by the Electoral College. You can look it up: Article II; Section 1.

“Yes, we are behind in the popular vote polls, significantly so, but our strategy all along has been to win the votes of the Electoral College, one of the --- strike that --- THE best university in the country.

“This is important because the Electoral College is ‘Pro-America’ not ‘Anti-America’ and I can prove it. Look: Alaska has a population of 670,000 and has three Electoral Votes. New York has a population of 19 million and has 31 Electoral Votes. In other words, it only takes 220,000 Alaskans to vote one Electoral Vote. It takes 610,000 effete New Yorkers to be worth one Electoral Vote. Alaskans are three times more Pro-American. The Electoral College proves it,” the spokesman said. “It’s that whole east coast thing.”

The McCain campaign spokesman went on to note that the institution of the Electoral College is sound: three times in American history it has righteously overruled the will of the people and elected its favorite: 1876, 1888 and 2000. In all three cases, the Electoral College picked those who turned out to be magnificent presidents; those whom the college knew would be beloved by the people, forever and anon.

Nonetheless, the Electoral College has an image problem. To that end, the College selected a K Street lobbying firm to improve its image. The first recommendation is for the Electoral College to join the other US Colleges and play fall football. According to a prepared statement, it is not true that the Electoral College team will play without helmets. Other recommendations of the lobbyists include convincing the country that the Electoral College is as American as Apple Pie and Motherhood.

In response, the Electoral College has decided to hold a bake-off, instead of a runoff, in elections that are close.

Asked whether the Electoral College would embrace the image of Motherhood in order to improve its standing, the college’s provost said that Motherhood was off the table in this election, what with pro-choice and pro-life themes running through the campaigns.

A spokesman for the Obama Campaign said that they expect to win the popular vote by as many as ten percentage points. “If, as expected, some 150 million voters go to the polls, we expect to win by 15 million votes,” he said.

“Fie on your 15 million,” the McCain campaign replied. “We have the Electoral College. And we think we can get 270 of those points. We expect to win in Colorado, New Mexico, Alaska, Nevada, South Dakota and all the other ‘Real America’ states that have a disproportionate number of members accepted at the Electoral College. Besides, it’s the fourth quarter and we have John Elway. Rah Rah Rah; Siss Boom Bah!”

VOTING MACHINE ELECTROCUTES VOTER

2008-10-23T13:55:00.000-07:00

Fatal Shocks Not Yet Linked to Obama or McCain

Denver, CO - October 25, 2008. State election officials confirmed today that another voter was electrocuted when using a touchscreen voting machine. Those same officials said it was the voter’s fault because the voter was not properly grounded. Similar fatalities have been reported in Kansas, Arkansas and Mississippi -- the only other states that use touchscreen machines without paper trails.

The question as to what constitutes a voter’s being “properly grounded” was not answered leaving some to think that party affiliation may have something to do with it.

While officials have been reluctant to hold press conferences about the electrical hazards of touchscreen voting, reporters have been able to reach some officials and advocacy groups. For example, in Mississippi, Harold P. Brown, a spokesman for the Edison Electric Voting Consortium said that reports of electrocution were rare with only 4,815 confirmed cases of voter deaths across the country this year.

An advocacy group called “SPARKY” (Suffragettes Pledged Against Referenda Killing Youth) said that it was aware of electrical shocks and had begun an investigation into whether deaths were found disproportionately among McCain or Obama supporters. Eldridge T. (“Commodore”) Gerry, a spokesperson for SPARKY, said that because voters were electrocuted, it was impossible to determine for whom the unfortunate citizens voted. “Mississippi, Colorado, Arkansas and Kansas have no paper trails that would allow a post-mortem analysis,” he noted.

Commodore Gerry who styles himself “an ardent apostle of abolition of AC” [editor’s note: Alternating Current] voting said that there were several steps voters could take to protect themselves.

Do not stand in a pool of water when voting
If you perspire, leave the voting booth immediately
Wear shoes with rubber soles when voting
Voters with pacemakers should only vote on an absentee ballot
Avoid machines requiring the voter to walk across a carpet in dry weather
Do not vote during periods of solar storms. Alaskan voters are urged to check the sky for the Aurora Borealis.

Dr. J. Mount Bleyer, said to be the inventor of these contrivances and a spokesman for the group of experts known as VVPAT (Vaunted Veteran Psephologists Against Touchscreens), noted that although the number of deaths has so far been low, the nation is at risk using electronic voting machines without paper trails.

Ethnicity Proof to Resolve Voter ID Controversy

2008-10-20T15:05:00.000-07:00

Ethnic Stereotypes To Be Used To Prove Voter Identity

Washington, DC - October 20, 2008. Passions running high on both sides of the political debate have caused election officials to rethink just who will be allowed to vote.

The Supreme Court reversed lower court decisions and gave Ohio’s Secretary of State the right to ignore database discrepancies. However, appeals to state courts to overturn the Supreme Court decision have already and inexplicably been filed.

Odd and potentially fraudulent voter registrations filed by Acorn have become a major presidential campaign issue.

In addition, the United States Supreme Court has recently ruled that states may require voters to produce a photo ID before a potentially fraudulent citizen is permitted to vote.

All now agree that Ethnicity Tests will be used to either qualify or disqualify voters. The choice is left to the states.

As of press time, the following ethnic tests have been established:

Greek Surnames (any name ending with “os” or “ous” such as Elanthos, Metropolous, Serendipitous or having “Zorba” as a Given Name) must establish partial or whole ownership in a coffee shop or luncheon restaurant.

Vietnamese Surnames (such as Nguyen, Thanh) must exude the smell of napalm in the morning.

Polish Surnames (any name ending with “wicz” or having “Lech” as a Given Name) must bring a ladder and two friends and change several light bulbs.

Jewish Surnames (any ending with "berg", "stern", “stein”, “stien”, “man” – one “n” only - or having any of “Hyman”, “Moishe”, “Golda” as given names) must be tested for the biblical mandate of wearing fringes…either tzitis or gold bling. Large bank account balances or control of Hollywood will also be grounds for the Jewish Ethnicity test. Names that have the syllable “Gold” in them may be subject to this rule but “Gold” is not dispositive (see, for example, “Feingold” but not “Goldfinger”; “Goldberg” but not “Goldilocks”).

Korean Surnames (only two Korean surnames are recognized: “Park” and “Kim”) must either demonstrate ownership in a dry cleaning establishment or demonstrate the ability to eat Kim Chee.

African-American Given Names (such as Leroy, Shewanda or Terrell) must be able to jump higher than poll worker.

Italian Surnames (Soprano or any surname ending in “ini”, “etti”) will be subject to the Hair Test. Males will be inspected for hair follicles clogged with grease from adolescence and females will be tested for split ends caused by excessive hair teasing. Jars of a grandparent’s secret tomato sauce will also determine Italian ethnicity.

White Anglo Saxon Protestant Surnames (any name ending in “ton” such as Remington, Hampton, Pennington) are immediately excused from any Ethnicity Test and may proceed to vote without a photo ID. Exceptions: Methodists must demonstrate ability to each a tuna fish salad on white bread or any casserole containing at least three co-mingled foodstuffs. The eating test must be performed in the basement of the polling place. Further, anyone named “Washington” will not be permitted to vote under any circumstances.

Muslim/Arab Names (such as Youssef, Hussein, Abdul, Saladin) shall prove their ethnicity by demonstrating that they are not decent family-oriented people. Alternatively, they may appear at a McCain rally and have their ethnicity determined by rally-goers. Once determined to be Muslim or Arab, such voters must stick their fingers in dark, indelible ink.

Catholics (to be determined by X-Ray screening clearly showing the prospective voter as wearing a scapula) must demonstrate original sin or other excessive guilt. Alternatively, Catholics may vote a provisional ballot and return on a Friday and choose to eat fish instead of beef. Those who follow liberalization of the “Fish on Friday” rule may be required to return during Lent.

Jewish/Muslim Alternative Ethnicity Test. Those with Jewish Surnames or Muslim Surname/Given Names may be given an alternative test. Jewish Females: Must have immaculate nail polish or “beauty parlor” frequent user cards. Jewish/Muslim Males: Proof of circumcision is dispositive in all cases. One voting booth per polling place must be provided for inspection purposes.

As of press time, it is not known which test will be applied to Barack Obama and whether he will be allowed to vote.

PALM BEACH'S MISSING VOTES FOUND AT CARNEGIE DELI

2008-10-13T14:48:00.000-07:00

MISSING FOR MONTHS, VOTES FOUND IN SANDWICH

West Palm Beach, FL - October 13, 2008. Officials today reported that they have finally found the 3,000 or so votes missing from the August primary election. Citing cooperation of the New York City Department of Health, the votes were found in a sandwich at Broadway’s Carnegie Deli.

The breakthrough came when a customer at the world famous delicatessen reported something odd in his “Henny Youngman” sandwich. Expecting only a Bermuda onion and cream cheese on a bagel, the customer thought it odd when he found extra bytes in his bagel after taking several tasty bites.

A Health Department Investigation of the bagel found that the extra bytes did indeed belong to the vote tabulator in use in the Palm Beach County primary election.

Computer scientists and mathematicians who study elections requested more time before providing an explanation. However, one scientist thought it likely that the missing votes were brought in by a customer who had ordered a turkey sandwich with mayonnaise on white bread. The scientist, speaking under the usual conditions of anonymity, said that anyone ordering anything on white bread at the Carnegie Deli was immediately suspicious.

Suspicion was further cast on the mayonnaise-eating customer when he was heard saying, “Take my byte. Please!”

Arrests in the case are pending review of the turkey-sandwich customer’s flight records. Another anonymous source said that an arrest was certain if it was found that the customer had just flown in from Florida and had tired arms.

NATION WARNED ON ELECTIONS LASTING MORE THAN FOUR HOURS

2008-10-08T18:26:00.000-07:00

a
Voters on Slippery Slope Towards Priapism

Washington, DC – October 5, 2008. In an alarming and unexpected message, authorities today warned that “Elections that last more than four hours can result in a serious and painful condition.”

The announcement was greeted with outrage by various voter advocacy groups but was welcomed by election officials around the country.

Citing the presidential election in 2000, the Election Assistance Commission (http://www.eac.gov/) pointed to the electile confusion in the State of Florida when various court challenges, counts and recounts blocked the final anointment of president for weeks on end.

“It is clear that elections that last longer than voters expect can lead to unhealthy conditions,” Rita Alcázar, the spokesperson for the Election Commission said in a statement at the beginning of a hastily called news conference. “As a result, we are limiting all elections to a maximum of four hours. It is essential that at the end of the day people in the booths know who will be shtupping them,” she added.

After the problems with the presidential election in 2000, makers of equipment aimed at solving Electile Dysfunction sprung up. Max Tucker, a spokesman for the election manufacturers’ cartel said, “Used as directed, our machines intended to cure Electile Dysfunction are safe. It’s just that these extra long elections could become painful for about half the voters,” he said.

There are steps voters could and should take to ensure safe elections, Tucker said. Before voting, ask if you're healthy enough for electoral activity.

Don't drink alcohol in excess (to a level of intoxication) when voting, as this may increase your chances of casting your ballot incorrectly.

Voting does not protect against sexually transmitted diseases, although sometimes entire countries have been screwed by the result of elections.

“What about our country’s long tradition of facilitating when citizens can vote? I mean, polls have been up for ten hours or so in some states,” a reporter asked.

“Look. This country is a democracy. This problem could lead us away from democracy to priapism. The last thing anyone wants is a priapic state."