NATION WARNED ON ELECTIONS LASTING MORE THAN FOUR HOURS

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Voters on Slippery Slope Towards Priapism

Washington, DC – October 5, 2008. In an alarming and unexpected message, authorities today warned that “Elections that last more than four hours can result in a serious and painful condition.”

The announcement was greeted with outrage by various voter advocacy groups but was welcomed by election officials around the country.

Citing the presidential election in 2000, the Election Assistance Commission (http://www.eac.gov/) pointed to the electile confusion in the State of Florida when various court challenges, counts and recounts blocked the final anointment of president for weeks on end.

“It is clear that elections that last longer than voters expect can lead to unhealthy conditions,” Rita Alcázar, the spokesperson for the Election Commission said in a statement at the beginning of a hastily called news conference. “As a result, we are limiting all elections to a maximum of four hours. It is essential that at the end of the day people in the booths know who will be shtupping them,” she added.

After the problems with the presidential election in 2000, makers of equipment aimed at solving Electile Dysfunction sprung up. Max Tucker, a spokesman for the election manufacturers’ cartel said, “Used as directed, our machines intended to cure Electile Dysfunction are safe. It’s just that these extra long elections could become painful for about half the voters,” he said.

There are steps voters could and should take to ensure safe elections, Tucker said. Before voting, ask if you're healthy enough for electoral activity.

Don't drink alcohol in excess (to a level of intoxication) when voting, as this may increase your chances of casting your ballot incorrectly.

Voting does not protect against sexually transmitted diseases, although sometimes entire countries have been screwed by the result of elections.

“What about our country’s long tradition of facilitating when citizens can vote? I mean, polls have been up for ten hours or so in some states,” a reporter asked.

“Look. This country is a democracy. This problem could lead us away from democracy to priapism. The last thing anyone wants is a priapic state."